Overall Rating: Just upwards of getting your balls chewed off by a rabid beaver

Runtime: about 10 hours
Genre: Used to be comic-book superhero epic, now it's somewhere between Baywatch Nights and Degrassi! the Next Generation

***SPOILER ALERT*** I'll probably be bashing most of the key plot(?) points here, to save you the time and frustration I went through.

So I've been watching Heroes loyally every monday without fail since the beginning. It was an excellent show... amazing show. It was one of the few epic dramas that would give you just enough to keep you satisfied for the week, but would always leave you wanting more.  Season two started veering off, but we all knew about the writers strike... so I'm sure many, like myself, gave the benefit of the doubt; out of loyalty... Then we got to season 3.   ...     ......

Heroes Season 3 -

I've been withholding judgement as much as I can during this season. Every episode I try to find some little bit of goodness to hold out hope of redemption. Now it's gotten to the point that episodes don't even really make any difference to the over-all story... They're getting formulaic, over-dramatic, and pointless. All eleven episodes could probably be cut down and combined to one episode with a few core plot twists and passed off as one decent episode... I'll break it down like this:

Nathan Patrelli gets shot, apparently in the bladder, while blogging to the news about having super powers

Turns out it's the badass doppelgangar Peter from the future. You can tell he's badass because he's got that horrible smegma fishing scar and the im the tumblinest tomboy in town attitude.

Hiro meets this bitch that runs like the clap out of Mama Patrelli's swampdonkey and always seems to be trying to suck something out of her teeth with the back of her tongue

We find out mama patrelli's power, aside from being built like a brick shithouse, is that she can dream the future or whatever, that's pretty sweet...

Matt Parkman gets a bum port to africa for whatever reason, and meets this badass african dude who paints turtles on rocks when he eats cornhole pudding. When the buttsauce doesn't work for Matt, the African guy loans him his magic walkman circa 1989

Meanwhile, Mohinder is turning into a BLATANTLY OBVIOUS rip off of spider-man:

SPIDERMAN: From Wikipedia: "Peter Parker is introduced as an orphaned science whiz teenager living with his aunt and uncle in the Forest Hills section of New York City. He is a brilliant student but the subject of mockery by his peers who regard him as a bookworm. One day he gets bitten by a radioactive spider during a science demonstration. He gains spider-like powers such as super-strength, the ability to climb walls, and a phenomenal jumping skill. Peter's own cleverness enables him to develop gadgets that fire webbing. "

the jokes write themselves, people...

Jessica + Nikki are back, but they end up being someone else entirely. Still no resolution on the whole multiple personality thing, they decided just to bring back the actress but have her embody a whole different entity with her own body... I'll be glad when they just bury this whole story arc and move on...there's no way to make this cool any more.

Sylar has mommy issues, I could write an entire article just for Sylar on how many times his story and personality shift in each episode. It's getting really old.. Make up your minds, heroes writers. It's really exhausting, the show never gets anywhere because we're all still trying to catch up to whether Sylar is good, bad, independant, or being manipulated.

Ando gets pwned:

Papa Patrelli eats Adam Monroe, a.k.a. takezo kensai, via osmosis. Turns out Malcom McDowell (linderman) is a phigment of everyones imagination. Matts dad gets ganked, Claire's a dumb bitch, Elle's a dumb bitch, Peter's a dumb bitch, Hiro eats some of pimp-daddy rock-painter's cornhole pudding:

 Papa Patrelli reverts Hiro back into a retard, an eclipse happens, everyone cries except mohinder, who's glad he doesn't have to use oil of olay to maintain his alligator skin. Somehow Peter still maintains his SUPER ability to talk like a stroke victim: 

The patrelli brothers go to the jungle to celebrate their man-hood:

Sylar goes evil again (twist!!) and busts up on Claire and HRG, who by the way, is the only character that is still awesome... well, him and Matt, really. But Sylar and Elle (why is she still on this show) bust up on claire, without their powers, and they get freaking rocked:

Daphne anamorphs into Bambi, and subsequently poops her pants:

HRG Goes to kill Sylar and Elle, and gets set up across the street with a sniper rifle, right... and get this, in true style, he lines up his sites.. and then WATCHES THEM DO IT, hiding in the bushes across the street, before he turns on his laser to take aim, and gives away his location.. I'm not even gonna post screenshots because I'm so disappointed at how cool that almost was for the show...

AND THEN UH OH EPISODE 11 COOL STUFF IS GONNA HAPPEN GET READY, siiiiiike... Everyone gets their powers back, no one dies, basically you can forget at this point that youve even seen the last 3 episodes because nothing was consequential... The only thing is that Sylar decided to be a dick again, and cuts into Elles forehead for whatever reason... He doesn't need to do that anymore as of a few episodes ago, so what the hell. It almost seems at this point that the writers are trying to write themselves into plot-holes just for the lols... I heard they fired some creative directors behind the show since it's started sucking... That's just what needs to happen, get rid of the original minds that made this shit awesome in the first place... This is just like (prepare for a nerd alliteration) The Ultimates volume 3, some new jackass comes along and completely destroys all the depth and brilliance that two full volumes cultivated in the first issue...

There you go. I saved you 10 hours.

In summation, I really hope the heroes team gets their shit together... We all know the pressure is on them right now. They know they're slacking... I don't want this show to get canceled because it sucked so bad, and there not be any good closure...

ALL IMAGES AND SCREENSHOTS ARE COPYRIGHT TO NBC  (with respect to nissan, of course)