Overall Rating: SHIT
Runtime: about 2 hours
Genre: somewhere between Leonard Part 6 and Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
***SPOILER ALERT*** Hopefully this review will spoil your desire to see this piece of shit movie.
So who's seen this MAX PAYNE movie? Well, I have. I must
say, it inspired me to come and immediately write this review. So here we go... So Donal Logue was in it, I was glad to see
they pulled him out to join the project. He was great for all of the two
minutes it took for him to get brutally written off. There was this hot russian bitch in the
previews, and she seemed like kindof a big deal. Yeah she gets all *partially*
nude and tries to mack hard on Max, but
he ain't havin it, I think it has something to do with that frooty leather
jacket and turtle neck he wears... "Hi, my names MAX PAYNE, I dress like Robert
Goulet and have no people skills"
So he kicks her out and she dies. It sucked, needless to say, the movie took a very negative turn at this point. And then we meet Mila Kunis, that 70's useless character. I have absolutely no clue what purpose her role served in this entire fucking movie. She's like in the russian mafia and she's pissed at her "sister" for no reason.. Then she's pissed that her sister is dead, and baton-whips max, then she's like talking to a Haitian gang, then she's HELPING Max, then she's... well that's the last we get to see of her, really... That's her role in this movie, there is literally no transition. There's this whole conversation with a tattoo artist where the dude is talking about Vikings and valkyries and shit and you're starting to think "oooh okay maybe now they're getting somewhere..." Did it reveal any more of the plot? HELL NO, Why would it?! That would require a plot to be actually written in the first place... No, Max just lead the dude on like he was going to get a tattoo for like 10 minutes then he just bitches out and the scene changes...
So we get to meet the villain, I guess his whole deal is that he takes his shirt off and lets nose sweat drip on his victims, that was pretty intense.
I didn't like this dude at all so I'm not even gonna include him in the review anymore... Chris O'Donnel made an appearance in the movie too, that was nice of him. Gotta say, he's lookin pretty rough these days, hollywood has not been kind to him... He lasted about 10 minutes before getting shot in the chest by his own security, that's what you get for stealing the batmobile, you putz.
I swear to god there was a scene when max payne was invading the enemy stronghold and fighting his way to the top floor to get to the boss, and at one point, two thugs actually BUST DOWN A DOOR AND START SHOOTING UP THEIR OWN BASE FOR NO REASON and when the smoke clears, max payne jumps out of a fucking barrel and shoots them, then moves on like nothing happened.
And then the like "invincible" super soldier bad guy that I said I wasn't going to talk about anymore that had been killing everyone died with a bullet to the sternum like instantly in the most climactic moment I've seen In a movie since rose let go of jacks hand in titanic.
The one cool thing they did was bullet time, in like one scene like towards the middle of the movie...then later I guess they'd try it again, in that pivotal scene that’ll be defining cinematography for decades to come, when the dude runs up behind max, then stops for about 20 seconds to aim, and max bends over backwards in ULTRA SUPER SLOW MO (this scene stretched out for fuckin two minutes, no shit) bends over backwards while this dude is literally shooting like 10 feet away from max, hitting some vials of drugs or something, and max like shoots the guy at the last second before his back snaps in half, and throws the dude like 30 feet back. Needless to say, it was amazing...
So just when you thought it couldn't get any better, the plot thickens and it's revealed that the big boss bad guy was MAX PAYNES CLOSEST MENTOR AND FAMILY FRIEND DUN DUN DUNNNHHH I was like HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WORLD SOMEONE FLIPPED IT UPSIDE DOWN I CANT HOLD ON AHWWHOOAAA, people in the theatre were concerned, but they were dealing with problems of their own... so Max flips the fuck out and dives in some sub-arctic water then in scene I can only describe as "it looks like max forgot he couldn't swim" he flops around like a fucking idiot and then sinks like a rock, and falls asleep. So there's this dream sequence where he sees his dead wife, whose only words are "not yet, max."
Well this was enough for him, I guess. All of a sudden Max learns how to swim again, so he fishes himself out of the water and decides to die again on the dock... then he remembers he's got this wonder drug in his pocket... So he takes the drug, and then like the sky starts raining sparks, it was sweet.. Max gets super pissed and heads off to finish the movie... So then we get a good look at these angel/harpie things that have been throughout the whole movie, and like they still don't make any sense at all by the way... And like the sky is being ripped open, and they're like closing in on Max as though they've been waiting for him to take drugs all this time, then like... Mila Kunis shows up and they all go away, and the sky goes back to normal... She's like "I'll keep them away but you need to go kick some more ass" and marky mark's like OK DUR DUR... so then he gets shot like 8 more times as he comes out on the roof, and the bad guys like "you want a confession?" then without a word, Max shoots the guy.. It takes like 30 seconds to fire the bullet though, cuz you know, bullet time shot... then it's like over. Max get's surrounded by cops, they yell "MAX IS HERE HE'S ALIVE" The end.So normally if a movie confuses me I'll go google "this movie sucked" and see if I can figure out maybe if I'm missing something, and see what other people think about it. Not MAX PAYNE, however. MAX PAYNE falls into a whole other category... If there was like a top 10 list of The Worst Movies Ever Made of All Time, MAX PAYNE would be on it's OWN LIST of the Top Even WORSE Movies Ever Made of All Time! Bad movies are abundant in our world, they have bad plot, bad acting, bad direction, bad imagery... This movie had NO PLOT, NO ACTING, NO DIRECTION, and well, the imagery was okay... but I'm still trying to find the movie behind all this bullshit.
All images are copyright to their respective parties, 20th century fox, I think, I don't even know, this movie was a turd