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Once apon a dern time, dag gon’, there was a blight that settled on Tennessee. The whole state was covered in alligators that only had a taste for white trash flesh. Everywhere you go you can’t help steppin on them dang dol’d alligator eggs, little baby lizards just squeeshin between your toes, mama gator’s getting upset, daddy gator’s tryin’ to make more babies, it was a real dad gum nightmare!
One fateful evening, Mary de la Culo was warshin the blood stains out’a her unnerpannies when dad gum all what come up out’a the warshin hole but a dad gum pile-o-gators! Mary de la Culo screamed her little white trash head off and ran like the dickens, she did. But, you see, kids, Mary de la Culo was so dad gum scared, and really effing high, that she didn’t know what direction she was goin! Long as she was putting distance between her and that pile-o-gators, Mary de la Culo didn’t care much which direction she was headed.
She shoulda dad gum paid attention, though, because a’fore you knew it, Mary de la Culo had run straight dad gum into a dang ole swamp! Hoo boy - did that put her on edge! Everywhere she stepped was more dang ole alligator eggs, step, step, step, squeesh, squeesh, squeesh, squeal, squeal, squeal!
After several weeks of squishin through them baby alligators, Mary de la Culo came up on an old cottage in the middle of the swamp, made out of old tin cans. Oh Mary de la Culo had spent many a night in strange houses in the middle of the swamp, so she didn’t have any problem marchin’ right up there and bangin on the door.
Clang, clang!
“Hello thar!” Mary de la Culo called, “Is anybody in there gonna help a lost, tired, hungry, lonely, sick, sad, confused, young lady in distress?”
Kaboom! The door of the tin can hut flew open, and there standing in the doorway was the most handsome gentleman that young Mary de la Culo had ever seen’t in all her days! Standing at an unstable five foot seven while slouching was three hundred pounds of canned man-meat (referring to the consistency of canned meat) lookin’ sexy as all hell from his brown and tan cowboy boots, to his over-tight wrangler cut-off shorts, to his beer-stained white undershirt. His mullet was a gift from the gods, his sideburns ran deep as the Mississippi, his mustache was… sparse.
Mary de la Culo was so moved by this vision that she lactated a little, only slightly. The White Trash Wizard grinned a big buck-toothed, well, the only two teeth in his mouth, grin.
“C’I hep yoo?”
“Oh, monsier, there’s a blight of alligators covering this here land, and I come a runnin away from a big pile-o-gators, cain’t you help?”
“Well gosh, ma’am, I’s just about to boot up some black tar and try to beat mah score on dig-dug, but I s’pose I could lend a hand!”
And with that, the White Trash Wizard picked up a bucket of magic saw-dust and went to work! He marched right across the state of Tennessee with his brown and tan cowboy boots and when he saw an ornery gator, well golly, that white trash wizard would just sprinkle a little bit-o-that magic sawdust on his boots, and he’d boot that gator right out’a the state! I tell ye, that dad gum White Trash Wizard marched right around the whole state of Tennessee, all day and all night, kickin’ them ornery gators right in the butt and sent ‘em flyin!
Now when the White Trash Wizard had kicked out all the white trash hungry gators, he marched right up to the big mama gator herself, sprinkled his magic sawdust on his brown and tan boots, wound up his leg, then gave her a kick so hard that her ovaries popped right out of her dag gone mouth, and sent her scaly butt flyin all the way back to Australia, thus ending the alligator plight on the state of Tennessee. Then he and Mary de la Culo set to work makin’ lot’s of little white trash babies, then they all lived happily ever after, until the the south lost the civil war.
And that, kids, is why there is so much white trash in Tennessee, and alligators are still scared to visit.